Inbox for sticksandbones

[lupusxylem]

I will not make this look pretty later, don't believe me it's all a lie

====

INVENTORY:

-The Punisher: Wolfwood's cross gun, normally covered in wrappings.
INFO from the mods on use so I don't forget: The cross-gun will be able to fire regular bullets (regains of these can be handwaved; silvered bullets can be purchased in the bonus AC store) just fine, without any special nerfs. The laser feature will be usable a max of 3 times a month.

-4 Vials of his Drugs(tm)
Info from the mods on use so I don't forget: Wolfwood can start with up to 5 vials of his Lab Drugs. More of these can be regained for the price of a Small Item (a maximum of 5 at once), but they will not work on other player characters for obvious reasons. Their healing ability will also be slightly nerfed to not heal anything instantaneously, but rather over a few minutes.
3/7: All Vials have been used. Will need to purchase replacements if he wants to use them again.
???: Forgot to put the date here but he's purchased more Vials, one has been used to he has 4 currently.

-A lighter

-A carton of cigarettes, more can be purchased/handwaved

-A winter coat that Heimr bullied him into purchasing

-A matching pair of boots for the coat

-A little knit wolf with sunglasses from Elsword.

-A blanket from Livio.

-A handgun with a wolf engraved on the handle.

-A black husky named Angelina

-A belt pouch to carry his regeneration vials with a cross emblazoned into the leather.

-Authentic rosary beads, with beads made from black glass and a heavy, silver cross pendant

-A black leather choker with a silver cross pendant, similar to the rosary

-A whole church(tm)

-A wool knit cat plushie from Pure Vanilla

-3 tomas chicks that currently live in Kiera's barn

-3 londonites

-Wolf skull shaped cufflinks

-A dagger for his "birthday" from Gnosis

Comments

[lupusxylem]

Okay, that's fine. But, like...

[He grits his teeth, his eyes darting for a moment.]

Answer me seriously. If you found out, say, that I somehow directed that landship straight into Hopeland, without lifting a finger to do anythin' to stop it, would you tell me that shit without question? You wouldn't have stopped for a second and would have just told me cause it's my right to know?

[oleaeuropaea]

I won't pretend I wouldn't have hesitated.

[Vash lifts his head, meeting Wolfwood's eyes. For all his hesitation and dodging this evening, or perhaps overall, he looks more determined than ever in this moment.]

But I would have told you. Because Hopeland is important to you, in the same way those lives in JuLai are important to you. I would have told you, and then offered to help you find a way to stop it.

[lupusxylem]

[It really hurts. It makes him feel like he's unequivocally in the wrong for the decision he made, and that in the end, his attempt to spare Vash the horrific potential reality of what was to come was- in the end- bad. And for a very scary moment, he feels a sort of ugly sensation welling up inside of him, bubbling in his chest on the very cusp of coming out, and he knows if it does he'll start shouting again and there's a very real chance their relationship won't be recoverable at that point. He has to swallow it down, which actually manifests in him physically swallowing a couple of times to try to chase back the lump rising in his throat, because what Vash is seeing in real time are the results of a lot of actually trying to reflect on himself and his actions, on Wolfwood's part.

He's trying. It's just that he's not sure Vash sees it, and he doesn't know how to verbalize that.

So instead, he doesn't. He sits back and lets the hot wash of shame overwhelm him, settling in his face and burning behind his eyes, and he's thankful for his shades because they hopefully hide the way they definitely glass over. Suddenly he feels like everything he's said up to this point is an excuse, and he's just trying to skirt responsibility. Maybe that's not exactly it, but that's how it feels in this moment.]

I. I dunno.

[He finally breathes, his hands gripping the edges of his chair.]

Maybe. Maybe I was just bein' selfish. I care about you too much for my own good, so I wanted...I didn't want you to hurt. You will never...ever be the same as you were...before you knew.

I dunno. M'sorry.

[oleaeuropaea]

[For a very terrifying moment, Vash does feel like the shouting is about to start. His shoulders tense, and he waits for something to rise up. He doesn't expect the way the man leans forward. He doesn't expect to see the way he gives into emotion. It's a reminder that, for all of Vash's anger, and yes he's been incredibly angry, Wolfwood was trying to do the right thing in his own mind. It isn't an excuse. It's simply... reality.]

You wanted to protect me. I can... appreciate that, even if I don't agree with it.

[Suddenly, the distance between them feels monumental. And Vash... wants to change that. He shifts forward, settling on his knees in front of Wolfwood. he reaches out, upper sets of arms seeking out his partner's hands.][If Wolfwood will allow it, he lifts a hand to cradle it against his face.]

It's scary, sure. But what about what we've faced isn't?

[lupusxylem]

[If the distance between them feels monumental, it's because it is. Wolfwood is not...feeling great, at present, and there's a massive internal struggle going on between his desire to defend himself, and his desire to just blow up at Vash until he understands. His chest burns and his heart throbs between his ears, and when Vash comes forward to take his hands, he allows it but doesn't return the grip.

But when he reaches up to touch his face, he angles his head down, his brows knit together in an expression that's a little harder to parse. He didn't hear what Vash said in that last part, the words going in one ear and out the other, because instead of answering that he says:]

What I did...you think it was wrong. And now you don't trust me anymore.

Right?

[oleaeuropaea]

[Vash pulls back. He can see that he's pushing too hard, too fast. It smarts, but he can't blame Wolfwood for it. Instead, he sits back on his backside, gazing up at Wolfwood silently. He considers the question, turns it over in his head, before giving... something of a nod.]

I don't know that it's fully broken or just needs time. But what you did, I can't just... forget. I can acknowledge it was done with good intentions. But I won't pretend that it didn't do damage.

[Too many times has he swallowed his feelings. He has to be honest here, even if it terrifies him to do so.]

[lupusxylem]

[Wolfwood doesn't expect Vash to swallow his feelings, here. If anything, that's what they need to be doing. Speaking plainly, getting things out in the open between the two of them. Any other time they've fought or argued, it's not really ended in any constructive way, with Wolfwood literally kicking Vash out on his ass in one instance, or Vash bolting and not giving Wolfwood a chance to explain in another. So that is one thing they have going for them, here. They are talking. In some fashion, they are communicating.]

Yaknow. If I kept somethin' from you maliciously, then I'd be completely on your level in sayin' I've been the asshole here. And I get that you understand I didn't mean t'hurt you by keepin' this from you.

[He takes a breath, then tilts his head down so he can look at Vash over the rims of his glasses, directly with his eyes this time.]

But I still don't think you're bein' fair. Puttin' the onus of this one decision on bein' able to trust me from now on, after....everything we've been through. Makes me just wish I could somehow take it back, yaknow? Even if I know that, had I done it all over again...my choices wouldn't've changed.

I told Zazie that eveythin' woulda' been fine if they'd never shown up. If they'd never even told me what they knew, I wouldn't have had the knowledge to keep.

[His head tilts over, resting on one shoulder as if keeping it held up has become a herculean effort.]

You and I ain't on the same wavelength, Vash. Maybe that's why.

[oleaeuropaea]

[Ah.

Vash angles back further. It isn't so fast that he's been struck, more of a slow motion feeling of something terrible ripping through him. He stares up at Wolfwood, feels his expression crumble, and doesn't have the energy to even try to put it back into place. He opens his mouth to protest, then closes it. He tries again, and fails once more.

The worst part of it isn't that Wolfwood has said it out loud. No, it's the fact that Wolfwood is right. They aren't on the same wavelength. It isn't fair, but it's the truth all the same.]

You're right. We're not. [There's no anger there. Just... resignation. The itching feeling returns, and no small part of Vash wants to take this as the end of the line for the two of them. But maybe, as long as they keep talking, there's hope.

Maybe.]

So. Where do we go from here?

[lupusxylem]

[They're not. And maybe that's something they've both been trying to avoid the truth of ever since this whole thing blew up originally. Because it isn't just this. He thinks back to when Vash was having issues with the corruption, and the argument they had there. Or when Wolfwood vehemently refused to listen when Vash tried to warn him about the book burning, and got himself killed over it. Any number of things they've failed to communicate properly on...time and again.

And it makes Wolfwood wonder if that's a failing on his own part, or both of their parts. He genuinely couldn't say, because he hasn't been in a true relationship long enough to know what it's meant to be like.

He feels burnt out in a way he really hates as Vash visibly crumbles and draws away from him. Wolfwood doesn't move himself of course, just sitting slumped in that chair looking as miserable as he feels. It's probably one of the very few times he's not tried to hide how he's feeling behind a mask of anger.

Because he loves Vash. He loves him so much. And Vash only just recently told him that he'd never stop loving him, only for something like this to happen. It's not like this is the end-all, be-all, that one incident is enough to destroy everything, but...

He can't get over the fact that Vash has made it very clear that he doesn't feel like he can trust him anymore. And he doesn't know how he's meant to deal with that. How he's meant to recover from a battle he never could have won in the first place. And now, once more, the ball is in his own court to decide.

At least this time, he isn't kicking Vash out into the hallway on his ass, screaming at him to get out and not come back. He's saying it as calmly as he's ever said anything else, the edges of his tone tinged with emotion.]

Maybe we need a break.

[oleaeuropaea]

[Vash... wishes he was surprised. He'd been hoping for any other answer. They'd found solutions before, or at least agreed to seek them out over time. They've overcome so much, so surely this would be just one more thing for them.

In the same second he thinks this, he can't help but want to backtrack. His mouth opens, very nearly trying to take everything back. "It's fine, I do trust you." "I'll come around." "Please don't leave." Swallowing his feelings has always been so easy. He could do it now.

But he doesn't. Here he is, begging Wolfwood for honesty and claiming their trust was broken for the lack of it. He cannot lie in the face of that. To do so would only damage them both further.

So he doesn't. He just... nods.]

Maybe we do. [And that's okay. He tells himself that, even as he tries to smile through it. It lasts only a second, before it fades. Left in its place is a rapid cascade of emotions, from grief to anger, desperation and fear, and then finally, resignation.

Honesty meant showing how he really felt, right? No fake smiles.]

You should... know something first. I'm not trying to change your mind or anything. It's just - [He looks down at the floor.] I'm not going back to No Man's Land. Ourania needs someone to stay behind, right? If me staying here saves lives....

There's more to it than that, but we can talk about it later. I just. Want you to know.

[lupusxylem]

[For as stoic as Wolfwood can seem on the surface, he- too- wishes this could all be undone. He said as much to Zazie, cried over it even, that he wishes they'd never come here. That they'd never told him anything. They didn't know that Wolfwood hadn't lived that future, granted, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened and he wishes it hadn't. It's been a complete cascade ever since, and it's come to a point where he can't outrun the avalanche anymore. It's swallowed them both, and he truly sees no other alternative because this talk isn't getting them much of anywhere in that respect.

He hates it as much as Vash does, and actually admitting it is going to be one of the hardest things he's had to do, believe it or not. Because this isn't working. He wants it to, he wants them to be better and to be able to function as a unit the same way as they can when they fight on the battlefield, but they simply aren't there yet. Vash has his own demons to fight, and Wolfwood has his.

But then...Vash chooses right now to tell him that he's not going back. He's not going home, because he thinks that staying here will prevent the future to come.

He sits in stillness for a long few moments.]

Didn't think we had a choice in that.

[Going home. Staying. But that's just another thing to add to the pile, he supposes.]

[oleaeuropaea]

When we do have the choice. You know mine.

[He'll tell Wolfwood about Zazie later, and the plan they're putting together. Maybe. Maybe it won't matter. If they aren't together, then there's no reason to feel bad that he'll be staying behind, right? Perhaps it'll simply make the choice that much easier.

But those are thoughts for another time. Right now, he's far too consumed with holding back the grief building within him. Really, truthfully, he doesn't want to go. He worries that if he leaves, everything will fall apart. Funny how that matters now, when he's already turned tail so many times.]

Mind if I grab a few things?

[He's trying so hard not to choke back the tears. Wolfwood deserves honesty. And yet in that same vein, he worries that if he breaks down, it'll manipulate Wolfwood into changing his mind. It doesn't feel like there's a right answer here.

As he debates, a single tear slips down his cheek. Embarrassing.]

When we get back, you keep the cabin. Makes more sense for me to duck out than to make you, Liv, and Angelina find a new place.

[Which... god, he's going to have to talk to Livio about this too. He isn't ready for that either. Nor is he ready to say goodbye to Angelina, who he just got back. Better to start in on that while he waits for permission. He ambles over to her and holds out a hand, then scritches behind her ear.]

You'll take good care of your papa, right?

[lupusxylem]

[It's something else that needs to be discussed, yet Wolfwood simply lacks the emotional bandwidth for it. He can't even think about how he feels about it right now because he's too worn down by everything else. He knows it's going to upset him when he thinks about it for more than a few seconds, because that is basically Vash directly saying "if we can ever leave you'll have to go without me", and since they're already seeking space...there's no need to open that can of worms. Maybe it seems callous that he doesn't respond to that point any further, but he just can't.

Instead, he simply inclines his head a fraction when Vash asks if he can grab his things. He's not so much of an asshole that he's just going to demand he get out with nothing after all.

Vash is crying, and Wolfwood is likewise not emotionless. He's just managing to hide it a bit better, shouldering it behind a stony mask, the wetness clinging to his lashes kept to himself behind the dark lenses of his shades. If this were any other time, under any other circumstance, he'd reach out to rub that tear from his cheek with his thumb. But he can't.

They need space. Though he's loath to admit it, it's been building for a time between them, starting in little ways when Wolfwood died and Vash became corrupted, compounding on itself up until now. He hates it, of course. But...what else can they do? Just keep circling the drain, arguing about the same thing, unable to reach a compromise?

No. They can't. It's not fair to each other, not fair to those around them...

Vash tells him to keep the cabin, and honestly he was expecting that one. He wants to tell him no, fuck that, fuck off, but he knows it's going to be another argument if he does. His initial idea was to just stay at the church, but whatever. He'll talk to Livio about it later, after Vash talks to Livio first, which he knows will happen at some point.

Angelina doesn't understand, of course. She just looks up at Vash happily, licking his fingers and leaning into his touch. It's then that Wolfwood finally says something, breaking his silence up to now.]

Take care of yourself too. Vash.

[oleaeuropaea]

[Wolfwood's words are what draw him away from the near mournful pets he gives Angelina. He adores her, of course. Leaving her is like leaving his flesh and blood behind. But she's Wolfwood's baby first, and this is just... one of those necessary things.

He straightens up, turning to Wolfwood. He tries his best to offer a reassuring smile. And despite the subject, it seems... real?]

I promise I'll do my best.

[He knows his best is the bare minimum, but... He still means it. Gnosis had already given him a thorough talking to. This sort of thing had to stop. The last thing he wants is to add to the already compounded grief, too.

Without lingering too long, Vash gathers up his stuff. It's just his beach clothes and his jacket. He does have half of a mind to leave it to Wolfwood but... that seems cruel to the both of them. He shoulders it on, while the rest of his items are tucked under an arm.]

I won't be far.

[It's a quiet way of saying that he won't be running off again. He'll find a cabana if he can, and if not he'll grab a tent and camp on the beach. He'll take care of himself.

But... beyond that, he doesn't say anything. As much as he wants to say "I love you," it feels wrong. It feels like something he doesn't deserve. Wolfwood asked for the break, so Vash won't push his luck. He just opens the door and... gives a little wave.]

I'll see you soon.

[He doesn't smile. He doesn't try to hide his grief beyond swallowing any additional tears.]