lupusxylem | Inbox for sticksandbones

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Inbox for sticksandbones

I will not make this look pretty later, don't believe me it's all a lie

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INVENTORY:

-The Punisher: Wolfwood's cross gun, normally covered in wrappings.
INFO from the mods on use so I don't forget: The cross-gun will be able to fire regular bullets (regains of these can be handwaved; silvered bullets can be purchased in the bonus AC store) just fine, without any special nerfs. The laser feature will be usable a max of 3 times a month.

-4 Vials of his Drugs(tm)
Info from the mods on use so I don't forget: Wolfwood can start with up to 5 vials of his Lab Drugs. More of these can be regained for the price of a Small Item (a maximum of 5 at once), but they will not work on other player characters for obvious reasons. Their healing ability will also be slightly nerfed to not heal anything instantaneously, but rather over a few minutes.
3/7: All Vials have been used. Will need to purchase replacements if he wants to use them again.
???: Forgot to put the date here but he's purchased more Vials, one has been used to he has 4 currently.

-A lighter

-A carton of cigarettes, more can be purchased/handwaved

-A winter coat that Heimr bullied him into purchasing

-A matching pair of boots for the coat

-A little knit wolf with sunglasses from Elsword.

-A blanket from Livio.

-A handgun with a wolf engraved on the handle.

-A black husky named Angelina

-A belt pouch to carry his regeneration vials with a cross emblazoned into the leather.

-Authentic rosary beads, with beads made from black glass and a heavy, silver cross pendant

-A black leather choker with a silver cross pendant, similar to the rosary

-A whole church(tm)

-A wool knit cat plushie from Pure Vanilla

-3 tomas chicks that currently live in Kiera's barn

-3 londonites

-Wolf skull shaped cufflinks

-A dagger for his "birthday" from Gnosis

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You know what's going on.

[Kicking and screaming he will be. Right now his throat tightens at the idea of naming his condition. Trying to talk about its implications, the recurring nightmare he has of Wolfwood being the one suffering, nearly threatens to knock him flat. He doesn't blame Wolfwood for wanting to hear it out loud, mind you. He just can't reconcile what needs to be done within his own mind.]

If anything ever happened to you - to you or Liv -

[He holds his hands out, glaring daggers at the needle sharp claws on his hands. It's so easy now, to cut into things. He's left nicks in his clothes just from the tip getting caught in the fabric.]

Yeah. I know I know. But is that gonna be yer solution? Just-

[He gestures with one of his hands, frustrated.]

Avoid me? Not talk about it? I can't read your mind, I can assume, and it's pretty obvious otherwise, but like...fuck. It sure don't feel good, no matter if it's a good reason or not.

[He's trying to be understanding, he really is. But Vash has to understand that this is not the right way to go about it, either.]

I don't know.

[It's not like he thinks the olution is a viable one. But he can't think of anything better, either. The idea of Wolfwood's face crumpling when he says he can't, when he keeps pulling back, it doesn't sit well with Vash.]

I just don't want to disappoint you. Isn't it... easier to swallow when it seems like there's a better reason than me just being - scared?

[His voice wavers at the end there. Even admitting fear is hard.]

To you? Sure. But to me it ain't.

[He leans forward a little, scrubbing a hand over his whiskered face. He hasn't shaved in...a while, even longer than normal since they got stuck here out on the beach. His five-o-clock shadow is starting to become more of the beginnings of a beard.]

When you leave me to speculate...and come up with my own answers. That shit is frustrating. And I never know when I'm gonna wake up one day and you've just...

[Disappeared, again. Letting that fear get so high that he just has to Go. He knows Vash has promised otherwise, or at least promised to try, but...]

And you don't trust me when I say I won't.

[It isn't accusatory. Rather, Vash sounds resigned. Why wouldn't Wolfwood feel that way? Vash's track record was fraught with evidence to the contrary. What could he truly point to defend himself, when everything else was evidence to the contrary.]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[But he doesn't deserve pity, doesn't deserve to beat himself up. He swallows it all down and forces a smile.]

I'm here, Nick. We have the rest of the night together, yeah?

I didn't say that.

[He snaps back despite the resigned way he says it, a growl under his breath. Even if Vash is probably right...he's trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's hard, when Vash has his mind made up like this.]

I don't expect you t'do anything. But why can't you just talk t'me?

And say what? That I'm afraid? That you're not safe... [He shakes his head.]

Even if I... could verbalize it. It's the same thing I keep saying, isn't it? Just a new tune.

[He closes his eyes. As long as he holds himself like that, and doesn't think about the extra sensation of touch from his second pair of arms, or how the draft in the air practically buzzes against the antennae of his forehead, maybe it isn't so bad. Maybe he can pretend he's still human.

Or that he isn't at constant risk of turning Wolfwood into the monster that Vash is.]

Maybe. Maybe it is just beatin' a dead horse. But I'd rather you talk t'me. Or...if you can't to me, to Liv. Somebody.

[God. What's happened to him. The therapy he's been having with Mizuki has infected him, he's pretty sure.

He grimaces, running a hand down the side of his face.]

...I don't want you to be uncomfortable. But if that means we can't...be close, anymore.

[...]

M'gonna miss that.

I miss it too.

[His voice cracks at the very edges. Wolfwood made him feel loved and valued with every moment they spent with one another. It isn't fair that he has to lose that. He'll suffer it, because of course he will when there's no other option. BUt it doesn't mean he doesn't mourn the loss.]

Just wouldn't be able to forgive myself, you know? [His eyes open, staring daggers down at the claws he now has to wear.] He didn't even bite me while I was out there, you know. He clawed me to hell and that's all it took.

If we got too caught up and that happened -

[His arms wrap tightly around himself. He won't ask for Wolfwood to hold him, not when he's the one that's been rejected. But at least he can provide himself some comfort.]

[The thing is...while he understands Vash's worry, Wolfwood feels like he's already gotten his licks from the Forest. He lost his leg for God's sake. It's not like he thinks he'd be immune to the corruption, but...

Why is he so worth protecting now, when he's already in the state he's in? Corrupted, no...but still damaged. And in Wolfwood's mind, that's nearly as bad.

And as frustrated and hurting as he is, it's not like he wants to avoid Vash. But it's still a tough pill to swallow, because now he doesn't even know where they stand.]

So what...can we do?

[That's just the thing, isn't it? Wolfwood might see himself as disposable, or at least not worth protecting, but Vash could never look at it that way. Not with his love of human life, certainly, but also not with his ever enduring love, either. From nearly minute one, Vash had seen Wolfwood as something precious. That hadn't diminished after what the forest had done. If anything, it just made it all worse.

Wolfwood asks his question, and Vash can only hang his head. He knows what he wants to say. He just can't figure out if it's the right damn thing to say. He doesn't want Wolfwood to think that Vash is the one running, or trying to push him away. At the same time...]

You shouldn't have to hold out for someone who can't give you what you need, Nick. [His sigh is small, bordering on mournful.] And that isn't me trying to beat myself up or push you away, either. I know you have needs. So if... I can't give you what you want, I get it if you... if you just -

[He lets the words hang in the air, opening and closing his mouth as he tries to find something else to say. He wants a way to soften the blow, to assure Wolfwood that he doesn't think ill of him, or that the man feels Vash's only value is his body.]

It doesn't mean I think you don't love me, y'know. Never gonna question that. But if you can't express it how you need...

I don't know.

[That! Was not at all the response Wolfwood was expecting Vash to come up with, fucking excuse him?

He is actually stunned numb for a moment by his words. Like, it's not just implying what he thinks it is, it's nearly Vash saying it fucking outright. And it actually takes a lot of self control for Wolfwood to not punch Vash in the god damn mouth.

How dare you. How dare you!!! After everything-]

Is that really what you think? That if we can't have sex, I'm just...gonna drop you? Are you serious? You realize that wasn't what I was askin' right?

Sex goes to heavy pettin', goes to touching, goes to kissin'- I have no fucking clue what's allowed because you won't tell me! I don't know if I can even hug you now, or hold your god damn hand. That's what I was askin'!

[He sucks in a sharp breath, looking away so he can scrub at his eyes with the heel of his hand. Fuck.]

Have you even talked to Livio about this? At all?

[Because he's part of this too, now. He's going to be just as affected, even if their relationship may not yet be as physical as he and Wolfwood's is.]

[Even if Vash should have known better, known that Wolfwood wouldn't take well to the words he offers up, he still shrinks back. He has no right to. It was his fault for misunderstanding the question, his fault for jumping to this conclusion, his fault for letting all of this happen in the first place. Maybe if he'd just stayed put. Maybe if he'd just let things between him and Wolfwood stay broken -

His thoughts come at him a mile a minute. It's enough to make him dizzy, to make his stomach twist into knots and his chest ache. Some part of him wants to shout back at Wolfwood for getting so angry, when Vash is the one that's scared. But he doesn't deserve that mercy, either. And even though his eyes burn something awful, he doesn't deserve the relief of shedding tears.

He twines his arms tighter around himself, only to flinch back when the tips of his fingers graze against the delicate membrane of his wings. Instead, he folds his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them.]

I don't know. I don't know!

[His voice comes out louder than he means to. His wince is almost instant. He thinks to apologize, but moves past it just as quick. If he acknowledges his outburst, it's acknowledging his pain. He doesn't deserve that.]

Livio and I... aren't like the two of us. Not yet. Just kissed for the first time during that game.

Edited 2024-06-20 02:29 (UTC)

[Despite the amount of therapy Wolfwood has had, he's still not "fixed". He's still himself. He still gets angry, he flies off the handle, he jumps to conclusions and has trouble being open and honest. But, god damn if he's not trying. It's the sole reason he's still here, he hasn't just shoved his leg on and stormed out to leave Vash alone.

As much as it hurts. It would be easy to just run away from it. It's hard to actually talk about it, even if they're doing a piss-poor job so far.

The context of where Vash and Livio are helps, at least. Wolfwood ducks his head slightly, feeling a little bad for bringing Livio into it, in that case. So, this is solely a them problem right now.

He huffs through his nose, and for a long moment the silence between them is stifling.]

Lemme make one thing clear. I didn't agonize over you as long as I did to let somethin' like this be what fucks that up.

[Is that a comfort or a relief? It's hard to say. It would have been easier if Wolfwood had given up on Vash. At least then he wouldn't have to agonize over how to continue. Being afraid of himself was easier when there was no within arm's reach.

He's not going to protest it though. He's not that stupid. He gives a nod, and maybe breathes out a sigh he didn't know he'd been holding in.]

I'm glad for that.

[Finally, just a fragment of honesty out of him. Nothing relevant to their current predicament, at least not yet. He does feel the slightest bit emboldened though, so - ]

I can't clip them. I know that. I've tried. Grow back before I've even put the damn clippers down.

[Wolfwood feels the barest flicker of relief. Honestly, half of him was worried Vash was about to break up with him right then and there. It wouldn't be the first time he's had that worry, but the first time in a long time.

He grits his teeth, grinding them behind his lips for a moment before saying anything.]

So what about coverin' 'em?

[He glances down at his hands, studies the way the light reflects off the nails themselves. His own sinister thoughts churn within his head, insisting that it's a losing battle. Nothing will help Eventually, he shakes his head, hoping that his self-deprecation will go with it.]

Gloves and all of that won't work. I can barely get dressed in the morning. Just lucky the jacket is relatively sturdy.

Mm...I ain't talkin' just 'bout gloves. There's gotta be some way to cover just the claws themselves, right? Then you ain't gotta worry about accidentally nickin' people with 'em.

[It doesn't even have to be a perfect solution, he thinks. As long as the sharp point is removed, and there's no easy way to break skin...that should solve the issue, shouldn't it?

At least, it's worth thinking about before writing off, Wolfwood thinks.]

What like... sticking play-doh on the tips?

[Credit where credit is due, it manages to make Vash laugh. It's a soft, grief-lined thing, but there's a hint of mirth there nonetheless.]

It's an idea, at least.

[And Wolfwood, for what it's worth, rolls his eyes. It's almost like their normal banter. Almost.]

Little more sturdy 'n that. But...yeah. That's the idea.

I ain't sayin' we gotta figure it out overnight. But there's no sense in just givin' up like there ain't nothin' we can do. That ain't the Vash I know.

[...]

And....look. I'm. [He takes a breath. Holds it. Counts back from three, like Mizuki taught him.] M'sorry for yellin' at you. I didn't mean it.

You're right... [He lets out a faint scoff.] Gotta run my head into the wall a few times. Then keep ramming for good measure.

[His expression does falter, though. The apology is kind. Some part of him appreciates it. Unfortunately, that part of him is muffled by the much louder, more self-flagellating version of himself.]

S'fine. I deserved a little verbal smacking around. I'm just sorry you're always the one that has to do it.

C'mon, Vash. That's what I'm here for.

[It's what he's always been here for, even from the very beginning.

Holding hands is a little iffy right now, he thinks. But Wolfwood reaches out anyway, putting his hand on Vash's knee instead.]

...I love you. Okay?

[Well, how can he not flash a smile at that. It's a little withdrawn, bordering on shy, but it's a smile nonetheless. He also doesn't try to pull away from Wolfwood's touch. Through clothing, away from the dangerous parts... it's all okay.]

I love you too. Nothing will ever change that, okay? No matter what kind of big, ugly monster I turn into.

Good.

[Wolfwood sighs, heavily, in a way that suggests...while he isn't happy about this arrangement, things aren't currently dire. They're just. Not great. It's not great! But he knows that, Vash knows that...and there's nothing that can be done by beating a dead horse about it.

At least now he has confirmation. Vash doesn't have to make up excuses, or go slinking around, they just...won't. He guesses.]

...maybe. I dunno. We can...try just layin' down, if you want.

[Nothing is great, but when has it ever been. There's always been a sword hanging over their necks. Sometimes they're just lucky, and they can't quite make out the shadow of it. As much as Vash hates it, blames himself for its presence, there is really nothing to be done. Wolfwood has made it clear that he's in it for the long haul, and Vash, at least, has moved beyond trying to remove himself from the equation.

He takes comfort in what he can for the time being, at least. Right now, that means settling in with Wolfwood. He offers a smile, one that's small and weary, but real nonetheless.]

That's a good start.

[He settles himself down. Three of his hands remain to himself, but he can at least twine the blue-tinged digits of his prosthetic with Wolfwood. It's a nice moment. A quiet moment. And if he were wise, he'd leave it as it is.

Vash, though, is not wise. As he settles down, some of his doubts fading into the back of his mind, something else rears its head. He remembers, vaguely, the conversation he'd had with Zazie nearly a month prior. He'd forgotten about their warning in the midst of everything else, but now...]

Nick... Can I ask you somethin'?

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